A Meeting Point of Shattered Glass and Weathered Stone

is it wrong of me to feel guilty?
downcast eyes and soul
and then I feel your touch on my chin
sturdy base to my glass figurine
there is no hesitation in your voice as you say
yes.
because you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I envy your sureness
the way you march through life
ordering your reality around you
unafraid
I was never so bold
anything I attained was through grace alone
and genetics, perhaps
our contradictory world would be surprised
how far a pretty face and a clever mind take you
flash of my smile opens doors
quip of my lips draws crowds
yet somehow you still surprise me
in all your firm gentleness
you surpass any potential I may have
your mere presence makes me aware of it
how I bleed at the simplest brush
my life story puddling at my feet for all to read
next to you with your hide of armor
I am pathetic
but you don't think so.
and there it is
I am a question mark
hesitating bendable unsure
and you've always been a full stop
sincere unyielding final.
you are the boy who
upon finding the broken transparent dancergirl
puts her in a place of honor
cushioned and cherished
and I
oh I
the lovely fragile frozen primadonna
missing a slippered foot and with chipped outstretched arms
I require delicate care that you give adoringly
nestled in your arms
as if all the world couldn't make me bleed now.

Pity turns to Fury turns to Resignation

leaving.
leaving.
lee-ving. or is it leeve-eeng?
ell ee ay vee eye en gee.
how long until it stops looking like a word to me?
it's a deceptively quick and easy verb
"to leave"
I leave, you leave, he/she/it leaves
I've used it for years
so why didn't anyone warn me?
how many people do I know have become aware of the wrench
in such a simple word?
two syllables.
is that all it takes to break your heart?
"I'm leaving"
and suddenly I've cut up your world
smiled at the pieces sadly
then just... left?
"done" is another one
but that word has more finality to it
like a period. "I'm done." full stop. clean break.
why couldn't I say that?
leaving feels so unfinished
as if I abandoned a child at a friend's house
"I'm leaving, but I'll be back, I promise"
like I could come back (I can't, I'm sorry, I know)
"leaving" you with all this hope and sadness
after we "shared" a life together
it wasn't really ours
it wasn't really me
you stole my feathered mantle in the first place
and I gave you my heart with time
time that you stole from me but that I never begrudged you
only one thing I asked
"faithful"
full of faith? were you? did you?
I don't think so
there were other jewels to be had
with unpronounceable names that mean nothing
but you "wanted" them
isn't that so you?
want want want want
never me, never special, never true
I was the star sapphire that you delighted in and then threw away
and I hurt
"hurt"
it's too simple
there's not enough to that word
but how else can I say it?
after I "hurt" I "wanted" too
fierce and uncaring
and I "had", so to speak
anything and everything
turns out the world lies down and parts for the sapphires
did you know that?
did you know anything?
you gave me back my stolen coat
then blamed me when I flew away
say it was my fault my choice my everything
but did you think that I would give up the celestial skies for mortality?
"leaving"
it always comes down to that, doesn't it?
who left first?
when?
why?
whowhowhowho
as if it mattered
leaving doesn't care
and now neither do I.

For Jacob

the smile crinkles the corners of your eyes
and I'm lost
drowning in bluesky irises I can't run away from
can't say I much want to either
my heart is in my stomach
churning unromantically
skipping erratically around my lungs
let me breathe, please
spinning spinning dizzy
stop thinking start
feeling
the way you put your hand on my shoulder
lost again
the taste of your mouth on my tongue
like mist in my eyes
the oneline crackling in my ears
solidifying to fog
everything loses perspective
falling drowning losing
muddled up in some strange
exquisite aching
don't let go
not yet
smile
and dizzyingly I fly
somewhere with endless skies
so much blue it hurts.

My Favorite Sin

there's an edge to your breathing now
ragged and intoxicating
as my hand slowly glides
down
down
meeting by turn your chest
your stomach
hips strong firm responding to my light fingernails
tracing circles on your thighs
and then (!)
my destination is found
sound there is no word for escaping your throat
your body moving desperately
frantic against me
hands pushing on my waist up to my breasts
and now it's my turn to go under
gasping burning
back against the wall
your other hand slowly
pins my arms and
and
and
oh
my mind ablaze with longing
hunger oh god I hunger
I
oh
I want
you
and my hands are on you once more
finding your weaknesses
exploiting them
but you won't stop won't stop
don't stop
oh please
sighing out your name can't think straight
my mind's a mess
heavy breathing thudding in my ear
up against me
fumble
smooth
hands oh god
pants where are my oh... oh
inside
push more, please
I'm blank and you're sweating
exquisite fierce yearning
moving withagainst you
hands all over my breasts your ass
fingernails clenched on your back scratch bite yessss
crying out please
nipples swollen and hard
oh I can't
I can't
harder
harder
please
and I'm gone
spinning off into ecstasy
moaning crying
frenzied maenads tear at my nerves
dimly I can hear you
breathing moaning my name
pushpush into me
and
more
almost
yes
and
it's gone
over with
and we're left gasping for breath
mere husks of who we were just ten minutes ago
o those lucky lovers
filled with that aching pleasure
emptied now
collapsed against the wall
in your arms
soft murmurs and chaste kisses
as if the moon herself didn't see us
seeking refuge and quiet in each other

With This Slipper

call me naive but
I believe in love
that elusive bluebird of fairytales
spoken of in hushed whispers by
babygirls and housewives alike
I believe in the swoop and rush
feathers in my stomach
desiring to look and notlook combined
only one foot in reality
sadly I believe in fate
o that cruel lover!
murmuring sweet nothings in my ear
truer metaphor never spoken!
making feverish love to my fantastical imagination
soft and slow
candles of what-if alight
I believe in Lancelot and Guinevere
Tristram and Isolde
courtly traditions of yore
phantom lovers haunting my spring mind
Snow White and her fair young prince
fairytales and chivalry
silly dreams of nothing and nobody
oh, but I believe

(untitled)

he wants to know what it feels like
so I tell him.
it feels like fucking bliss
an explosion in some unseen part of me and
somehow familiar despite
the strange hands on my
waisthipsbreastscunt
some other mouth covering my body
a titillating blend of strange and familiar
I like it maybe even
crave it like a fierce unanswered yearning
blossoming in my second chakra
glowing orange
as he nears me
that predatory glint in his eye
he wants me wants me and I
can feed off that desire
a goddess am I
oh honey, worship me
kiss like burning napalm through my blood
and I can't help myself anymore
succumbing to the soft embrace
rough kisses
desperately moving against me
looking for clarity amidst desire
and
the ending
is more
than satisfactory.
no.
I can't say it.
so instead I put his
hand on my waist
smile like he's a stranger
say
different.

Membunga

I dream of flowers
like something out of a paradisal Eden
¡que linda primavera!
They grow wild and beautiful
alluring thick and sweet
perfuming the air with a strange unplaceable scent
orchids swaying, delicate jasmine
the blooms are everywhere, my hair my limbs my eyes
lilies of every shade burst with vibrancy
intricate peony petals arranged by the wind rain sun sky
pull me in
baptizing me in their clean aroma
a breeze sends a lotusblossom twirling and spinning across the pond
they scatter like frightened birds out of an arbor
apple blossoms beautiful delicate send me dizzy
like the irises that daze me with their indigo
or the breakable pansies at my ankles
southern camellias in shades of pastel eyes
to breathe is to live their loveliness
paralyzing an aesthete with sensory overload
oh, the air, the air!
neither cloying nor soporific it is a drug
pull me in
a whirl of green life blue red orange yellow purple pink teal white
let me be the pigment of your smooth satin down petal
the vines with their unnamed star blossoms are twining around me
winking at me with their blooms
taking my bliss to a higher level
let the garden into me